It’s an awkward situation — you’ve sought out a mentor or sponsor, worked up the nerve to ask for their support, secured their commitment, and now they’re simply not providing what you hoped for. You’re not getting what you want out of the relationship, but you don’t know how to address the problem. It’s even worse if the leader is your direct boss, or someone with influence over potential promotions.

With a few specific steps, however, there can be a way to pivot and improve the situation.

Sonia Kang, a professor of organizational behaviour and HR management at the University of Toronto Mississauga and cross-appointed to the Rotman School of Management, offers these tips.

Reassess your goals and needs

There was probably a specific reason you sought out this particular leader to be a mentor, but it’s important to recognize that your needs are likely to change as you progress through your career, says Kang.

Having a conversation with a mentor or sponsor about those evolving needs could revive the relationship and make it effective again, or it could bring the relationship to a close respectfully.

“You can say something like, ‘As I get further into my role, I need more support in this specific area,’ and then you could add, ‘Can we focus on that, or should I look for that kind of mentorship elsewhere?” suggests Kang. “If that person says, ‘Yeah, I want to make sure that this person is getting what they need,’ then that's a nice kind of easy out for them.”

Gradually disengage

Sometimes gently pulling back from a relationship can help bring it to a close naturally, says Kang.

If you were having monthly check-ins with a mentor, for instance, you could suggest reducing the frequency of those meetings, she says.

“You can say, ‘I think it'd be great if we could reduce our meetings to once a quarter and focus it in other areas,’” says Kang. “Or, ‘If a key issue comes up, I'll reach out.’”

It’s important to make those suggestions carefully and highlight how much the employee values their mentor or sponsor’s time, says Kang.

“Do it in a way that you're not burning bridges. You're not creating tension,” she says. “‘I am doing something else, and I respect your time.’ This will be easier if you keep your relationship professional and not too personal.”

Communicate directly and be specific about your needs

If a mentor or sponsor seems too busy to lend their support, or is letting an employee down, a direct conversation can go a long way, says Kang.

“You really can say, ‘This is what I need, specifically,’” suggests Kang. “If you're in a situation where you’re thinking, ‘I specifically sought out their mentorship/sponsorship because I wanted them to network me with this specific group,’ just say that outright.”

Once that is communicated, if the mentor can deliver, the relationship might succeed. But if not, then problems with the connection have already been spelled out and “you've got one foot out the door,” says Kang.

Seek out multiple mentors and/or sponsors

Relying on a single mentor or sponsor can be “super limiting,” says Kang, so seeking out more than one person to support an employee’s career is important.

“You want to make sure that you're expanding your network of potential mentors/sponsors so that you're not just relying only on your boss, for example,” she says. “Expanding your network helps you to become more visible, and you can cultivate advocacy in different areas of the organization.”

Even if things are going well, having more than one mentor can build relationships with individuals who can help further an employee’s career, says Kang. “That way if your boss isn’t a great mentor in a certain area, you have other people that you can lean on.”

It’s worth keeping an eye out for red flags before deciding on a mentor or sponsor as well. A leader who has already taken on many mentees may not be as available, and someone who is eager to project their own goals onto a protégé may not be a good fit either, says Kang. A potential mentor who is light on specifics and unable to deliver actionable guidance may also be one to avoid, as would someone who only provides negative feedback, she says.

Ultimately, however, an employee has to give a potential mentor or sponsor a chance and realize that it’s acceptable to pivot away from the relationship if it doesn’t work out, says Kang.

“You're never going to have a perfect mentor, just like you're never going to have a perfect mentee,” she says. “But you’re not stuck with them forever.”

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